Happy for Her

and I'm not falling apart

Luke has a girlfriend.

But my heart didn’t skip when I heard the news.

Her name is Natalie.

But I didn’t immediately wish she was ugly and rude.

Natalie is moving to Minnesota.

And honestly, I hope long distance works out for them.

Natalie is probably beautiful and sweet and has held Luke’s attention for months.

And honestly, I’m not jealous of them.

My body no longer physically responds. And inside, my heart doesn’t either.

Still a part of me begins to wish I never wrote him those letters,

But I’m glad it helped me through the months.

Still a part of me wishes he never met her,

So all my tears wouldn’t seem so silly when I find out he’s not the one.

Still, I don’t sit here wishing he was mine,

But a part of me still wonders if it will last.

Still, I truly hope he’s good and happy

And honestly, I believe it’s time to put this in the past.

It’s absolutely wild how the pieces have fallen down and fit together.

It could only be God.

Teaching me.

Healing me.

Growing me

Two weeks ago, I said, “I wish Luke would hurry up and get a girlfriend so I could fully let go and that someone else would come along”.

On Tuesday, I met a boy.

My heart skipped.

Something it hasn’t done for anyone else in two years.

TWO YEARS.

He smiled at me.

And now I can’t get it out of my head.

All smiles. No tears.

On Thursday, Luke got a girlfriend.

My body didn’t care.

My heart is working on not caring either.

It doesn’t take much effort.

And honestly, I’m happy for her.

He’s a sweet, strong man, and I hope she treats him well.

I hope she enjoys standing to the side with him and watching everybody else dance because he’s the quiet type who’d rather whisper a joke in the dark than risk being laughed at.

And I love that for him.

For her.

But not for me.

I need a man who starts the dance down the store aisle instead of ends it.

I need a man who two-steps while carrying boxes for a stranger and screams his lungs out to his teammates like who cares.

I need a man who brightens my sparkle and doesn’t shadow it.

I think that boy could have a chance.

He two-steps and he bounces and he laughs while he yells.

But he doesn’t even know my name.

And that’s okay.

I hope that’s not how it’s going to stay.

But I’m not going to try and make it my way.

Natalie, if I ever meet you, I hope I get to tell you the beauty of the lesson your boyfriend taught me, even though he doesn’t know.

I am the treasure.

God is my love.

I don’t do the chasing.

I pray to above.

My plan is not always God’s.

And I’m glad it’s that way.

If it’s truly meant to be,

I just need to be open and watch God make him stay.

Here I am Lord, come near me, I’m waiting on you

Not Luke, and Rowan, not a future “I do”

Shower me with the truth of your love,

I praise you for being my more than enough

If it be your will that I befriend this boy

Work it in your timing, help me not to be coy

It’s all in your hands and I’m glad to admit

I’m standing here free, not worried about it.

-LeaRose