Reckoning

a poem

Hey y’all, LeaRose here with the YA Section’s very FIRST poem! (Not feeling the pressure at all XD). I wrote this last year in a time of searching and well, as the title explains, reckoning with God and myself. Enjoy!

Photo by Egor Yakushkin on Unsplash

I miss the days when all the hurt and tears were for,

The little things that now are locked behind this door,

Between the monsters I could be and what’s no more,

Lately it seems it never rains it only pours,

I miss the days of playing with my toys,

When lollipops would bring me joy,

And leprechauns would share their pots of gold,

I miss the days when rainbows in the sky,

Would never make me want to cry,

And all I dreamed about was getting old,

Now that’s somewhere I don’t wanna go,

Wish to turn back on this road,

Because I realized all the things I do not know,

God’s seen me stumble more than twenty times,

But it's his hand still holding mine,

Makes me believe I’ll be fine,

But still…

I miss the days when everyone was kind to me,

I miss the days of being blind to everything,

Like friends who aren’t what you can see,

Before I met anxiety,

And insecurity and me were strangers still,

I miss the days when all I heard was what I wanted to hear,

I miss the days before embarrassment threw a lock onto my tears,

I miss the days when my whole world wasn’t even ever here,

When I openly would sing,

Every time that doorbell'd ring,

And I’d appear,

Cuz it always still could be,

A handsome Prince Charming,

To sweep me off my feet,

And if it wasn’t, still you’d see,

My young face smiling,

Cuz depression then was only just a word I couldn’t spell,

And secrets were just silly jokes my friends said not to tell,

When boys were just annoying jerks who laughed when someone fell,

And I truly meant it when I said, “I’m doing well.”

I miss the days when I probably would have run to share a song,

Before I became self-conscious of doing everything wrong,

I miss the days that perfection was never the goal,

I miss the days before I dug myself into this gaping hole,

I miss the days when mirrors were my friend,

Before I knew I’d see the end,

Of innocence before I knew what’s true,

I miss the days but still I wouldn’t send,

Myself back just to relive them,

Since I saw the gift of what they made me do,

I miss the days but in reality,

If I’m being real with me,

Without them I wouldn’t be,

The person now everyone sees,

Without those days, then I would still,

Be drowning in my selfish will,

But since they’re past,

I have at last,

surrendered to God until,

He takes me home.

-LeaRose